Random Human Adventures In Equestria
by Nosfrat
Summary: Worst title in the history of fanfiction. Basically, random stuff I wrote which turned out to be decent. Take a look at the beginning of the first chapter for more thorough information. Very random, very stupid, and lots of feels towards the end. Kind of a sarcastic parody / satire kind of thing. Rated (EXTREME) T for lots of swearing and slight adult content, might change to M...
1. Adventures in Ponyville

**_A/N: PLEASE READ THIS._**  
**_Just some random shit I came up with after not writing for several months. It was just meant to be me, writing to myself about my own adventures, using the usual greentext and second person format, and contained a lot of autism, an AWFUL lot of swearing (and it still does, barely half as much as the original but please, do not read if you're offended by extensive usage of swearing) and a bit of sex here and there. Nothing that would warrant a M-rating, though... I hope. I'm honestly not sure. I hope I can get away with a T-rating here, but I'll change it if needed._**

**_So yeah, after I finished that 'story', I realized that while it was mostly some kind of autism-filled parody / satire with a surprising amount of feels in it (which it still is), it was actually better than just about everything I ever wrote. At least in my opinion, which probably means it will suck for other people, but well. Can't please everyone._**

**_Nothing I say is to be taken seriously, as although this is a self-insert, I purposely made my 'character' somewhat different from myself. I am not racist, sexist (not too much at least D:) and I don't hate the ponies I claim to hate._**  
**_Just felt like throwing that out there, in case the anal pain spreads to sensitive readers who won't stand watch their favorite pone getting insulted without reacting to it._**  
**_This story also contains quite a lot of sarcasm and satire, as well as extensive fourth wall breaking and personal, non-story related ranting and random one-liners that I honestly don't expect ANYONE to get. Pinkie would be proud._**

**_This is way too long to be a one-shot, but I wrote it in one go. I'm just splitting it into four chapters for the sake of convenience because while the whole thing is definitely too long to fit in a single one, it's not THAT long, either. (that sounded wrong)_**  
**_Enjoy. Or run, while you still can._**

* * *

I am Nosfrat. I am stuck in Equestria.  
I am fucking bored.

Well, at least that's one thing that hasn't changed at all. In fact, not many things have changed.  
I'm not even sure ANYTHING has changed at all, if not for the whole, obvious 'different dimensions' thing. Shit is still as weak as it gets.  
It can always get weaker, life taught me that much, but... Yeah. Better not go there.

Ponies are somewhat nice to me. Well, most of them, anyway.  
A certain blue pegasus by the name of Rainbow Dash has been a major pain in the ass. Mostly because I hate her, so I treat her like shit. Being the hot-headed, competitive, borderline aggressive type, she obviously doesn't hold back and treat me more or less in the same way.

I don't even know why I hate her. Honestly, I have no idea. I always did, well before arriving in Equestria. But now that I do know the 'real' Rainbow Dash, my hatred for her reached new heights. There's also something else about her...

Something I can't quite put my finger on. It's like hate, it feels really similar, but... What in the world could be similar to hate, and that I could feel for Rainbow Dash?

...Anger?  
Disgust? Something like that?

Ah, what the hell. In time, I will figure out. Not that I give much of a fuck, though.

When we two happen to run into each other, well... Shit gets violent pretty quickly. Not physically, 'I'm gonna bash your fucking head in' violent, no... More like, 'there's dense, high-tension hatred burning in the air, and every life form within a fifty feet radius can feel it, and will most likely attempt to flee out of self-preservation instinct' kind of violent.

Heated.

Apart from that particular problematic mare, most of the other ponies are pretty nice to me, and rather caring. But still, that sadly doesn't prevent me from feeling bored, and... needy.  
I AM a complete horsefucker, I came to terms with that a long time ago, and I never really gave it much thought. I would bang just about anything that moved, as long as it was sentient. Which, back on Earth, meant humans. And here, well, pretty much everything I guess.

Not really expecting to be transported to Equestria in the first place, I didn't think about having that kind of 'relationship' with anything other than ponies. And I still don't. Ponies are glorious master race.  
But there's a problem with these pastel colored ponies. Those oddamn ponies, man.  
Confound them. Confound them all.

They ain't right in the head. There's no way to make them understand anything, and hints at one's desire for a potential romance, or even full blown sex are no exceptions. Those who don't think I want to abuse and rape them, think I'm talking about something entirely different. What, I will never know, but it doesn't help.  
Hell, even humans could hardly understand me, I shouldn't have expected alien ponies to be more... like me.

I never really felt like I was meant to be a human, at least not in today's world, but I sure as hell never felt like I was meant to be a three feet tall magical pony. So yeah, communication isn't the best when it comes to those few things I really need.  
Not to mention that being a human and all, and a weird one at that, they don't even try to understand half of the shit I do routinely, or why I do it. I'm quite happy with that though, because I'm into some weird stuff that could quickly raise suspicions among my pony peers.

I've been here for roughly one month and I can safely say that life still sucks astronomical amounts of ass. The way I ended up in Equestria was rather unorthodox, but then was there a standard way for one-way, interdimensional travel induced by an uncontrolled surge of magic during a freak accident, only to end up stuck in a bright pastel land, surrounded by midget cartoon horses?

Yeah, I didn't think so either. From what I've been told, that freak accident had involved Twilight Sparkle, formerly a princess, some strange mirror thingy that apparently acted as a portal to a world with strange humanoid avatars of the ponies living in Equestria, and one of Celestia's old students, gona rogue for whatever reason. PMS, probably.

Damn, I need to stop being sexist and making such jokes. Not only is it pointless because well, there are like 90% of mares, and equines don't have periods. And also because I have the sinking feeling that being an asshole isn't the smartest thing to do in this land. Maybe I watched the show too much... Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  
Or maybe I'm just having a gut feeling telling me that I should listen to it, lest I want to be the first human to actually land on the Moon.

Yeah, not the same Moon but whatever.

So, back to exactly four weeks ago...

_[weird sound effect]_

* * *

Damn. What the fuck?

I didn't remember falling asleep in the middle of a garden. I didn't remember living anywhere near Fluttershy's cottage, either. And I sure as hell didn't remember Equestria to be a place I could randomly wake up in.

Before I could process those thoughts, I was under attack.  
A massive mob of woodland critters had me pinned to the ground. Struggling for about a minute, I eventually managed to elbow some kind of small bear in the jaw, freeing my arms and giving me the leverage needed to shake a small beaver thingy off my leg, allowing me to stand up. Not wanting to stay for dinner or anything, I ran.

I ran fast, and for a long time.

Considering I'm a fat fuck, you can read that as: I ran actually somewhat fast for my size, and for forty-five second before hyperventilating.  
Being in shape had never been my main concern in life, or a concern at all, really. Maybe another reason why I hated Rainbow Dash, her natural 'physical' attitude...

So yeah, I ran. Powered by adrenaline, fear and whatever else I was feeling at the moment, I ran and hid into the Everfree forest. I figured that no pony would come here, so I would have a little time alone to get my shit together. And hopefully I would stop screaming... I wasn't sure if I was screaming in terror, anguish, relief, excitement, or all at once, but I screamed for hours. Eventually, my vocal chords sent me a 'fuck you' notice, in the form of sharp pain in the back of my throat, and they went AWOL.

I ended up calming down, and deciding to take a nap. Whether it would make me wake up back on Earth, or help me analyze this shit rationally, it couldn't hurt, right?

Wrong.

After dreaming of horse pussy and shit, and as I was closing in on Luna's dark blue folds, I was awoken by the screams of a pissed off manticore.  
Huge motherfucker. I'm talking ten to twelve feet at the very least, and paws larger than my head.

I somehow managed to escape, using legendary guerilla warfare tactics to their fullest potential.

Or, I got lucky with a thrown rock that hit the creature in the eye, and I ran away as fast as my legs would carry me while screaming shit about how I should have known the price of evil, and how it hurts to know that I belong here.

Anyway, pointing my finger in a random direction and watching the big, stupid faggot actually bother turning around and looking towards said direction, giving me the time needed to grab a nearby rock and ready an overhand throw, was definitely the highlight of the day.

Finally getting out of this hellish place they dare calling a forest, I was met with Fluttershy and her army of critters. Considering the biggest of said critters were roughly the size of the pegasus herself, I found the choice between taking on a shy pony and a dozen of small animals, or an enraged mythological monster nearly twice my size that could decapitate me with a single swipe, to be pretty easy.

I simply stood my ground, crossing my arms over my broad chest, giving her a weird glare. Something somewhere in between 'I will fucking murder you and watch as your entire famile and all your loved ones are writhing in agony, slowly consumed in agony in the raging inferno that will be licking the walls of your small cottage tongiht', and 'hey wait man, wait, you right dog, this is stupid, let's put the guns away and go on about our business'.

And maybe a slight hint of 'dat flank'.

Ultimately she tried to use her signature stare on me, and needless to say, it didn't quite have its intended effect.  
All it did was being cute. And giving me a semi-boner.

Those eyes on me while she would be doing something else... Yeah no, better keep it a SEMI-boner, at least for now.  
Once she was done tryharding, I shrugged and stated matter-of-factly that I needed to get back to the 'hood, because things were too crazy 'round here.

The yellow pony, failing to understand by statement, simply stared at me with eyes wider than just about everything besides my ass, and a few minutes later I found myself 'lost' in the middle of Ponyville's town square.

I honestly had no idea what to do, or where to go. I was a complete stranger, cursed, cast out and forgotten in a distant, foreign land, and I-  
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Bottomline is, I was lost.

As if it would answer my pleas, a bright flash of light blinded me and I staggered a few feet backwards. This was only the beginning of what I would, a month later, still fucking hate.  
Fucking magic.

Opening my eyes again, I was met with the sight of a slightly less small horse, with white wings and a LONG fucking horn protruding from its forehead. I'm talking over one foot and a half.  
Princess Celestia, somehow aware of the fact that the little accident that had happened apparently had another side-effect, namely bringing my ass here.

We talked for a while, her forced smile (poorly) trying to hide emotions such as dread and resentment.  
I was pretty sure she was scared of me. Or, scared of whatever kind of shit I could be doing here. I didn't know how much she knew about humans, if anything at all, but I doubted she could possibly ignore that they are NOT peaceful, and NOT to be trusted.

After she tried to levitate me and failed rather hilariously, I suppressed the urge of copiously insulting her, and instead took a deep breath, before explaining her how shit worked on Earth.  
I told her that my world was devoid of any magic, and as such the atoms and everything composing my body were never meant to interact with any kind of magic, essentially making me immune.  
I wasn't too sure about this theory, but it actually made some sense. And it still does.

We didn't exactly part on friendly terms, but I managed to somewhat reassure her, explaining her that while humans were stupid fucking greedy dickriding unclefuckers with a trash can fetish, I somehow was different. She reluctantly agreed to 'build' (read: magic together) a small house on the edge of the Everfree for me to live in, not too far from a certain yellow pony's cottage.

I had to once again suppress the urge of fucking her shit up when she stated with a shit-eating grin that my house would have three stories, because stairs were a good workout.  
I hate stairs, and I hate working out. She probably knew it, being the crafty little cunt she is.

Needless to say, everything was either on the bottom or the top floor.

And she also gave me a decent amount of bits so that I could live by myself for a while, before having to try and get an actual job. Not like I would ever consider that though, jobs are for stupid redneck pricks, mexicans and other immigrants.  
You could ask yourself, what about jobs in Mexico?  
And you could ask yourself, do I even know what the fuck a job is? And you would be right to want to ask yourself such a question.

But anyway, as it turned out, Twilight Sparkle tried to go back through the portal to the 'human' world, to see Flash Sentry again, and probably suck his cock in the school's bathroom stalls or something, because her dumb purple ass failed to realize he was in Equestria as a pony all along.  
Or, maybe she was just not that much into ponies... And rather into humans. I made a mental note of trying to (hopefully confirm) or disprove that theory later.

So yeah, while her nerdy ass tried to go back through the portal, something happened. Nopony knows what and frankly, not a single fuck has been given about it since it happened, but something went wrong. Horribly wrong.  
So wrong in fact, that the dorky lavender 'alicorn' had her princess title removed for it, along with her wings.

And THAT was the stupid shit that got me here, somehow. That was about a month ago, and to this very I still wonder why. I mean, like sucked on Earth, and now life sucks in Equestria. The only significant different would be that I'm living something thousands of fat autistic neckbeards would want to be living. So much prestige...  
Speaking of which, I need to trim my beard. The last thing I want is to be affiliated with people like that, people who are exactly like me, except they weigh a couple pounds more (or less?) and have slightly different facial hair growth.  
Being a human, that alone is of course enough to make me feel like they are different, and do not belong with me. It makes sense, right?

The other difference is that I've traded the few things I liked in life (my PC, my porn, my food, etc.) for the ability of going outside, and not wanting to kill every single living being that enters my field of vision.  
While it felt nice in the beginning, I'm seriously starting to think I got the short end of the stick.

But in the end, friendship must really be magic, because I seem to be immune to it as well. It's not like I ever had real friends but well, at least I'm not a wizard. I never thought I would actually ever end up in Equestria (you don't say) but the very second I woke up in this land, my heart was filled with apprehension. I jusy knew shit was never gonna work the way I would have expected it to, and a month later I can't really say that I'm surprised.

From the start, I had the feeling that not only I wasn't gonna get any sweet pony pussy, but I wasn't gonna make any friends either, and life would still suck dicks.

But today, it can change. I've had enough of this shit. Enough is enough, and I am NOT gonna stand this any longer.  
Today, I fight for things. It's time to get off my lazy ass and do shit. After all, if you want shit done, the only way is to do it yourself.  
I'm gonna go out there, maybe get me some friends, definitely a copious snack, and hopefully a nice marefriend.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, A MAN CAN DREAM.  
...can't he?  
We'll see.

It's early morning, the Sun is slowly rising... As much as I hate Celestia, I have to admit it takes dedication. Either to raise, move and set the Sun everyday, or to pretend you do so and keep the act up for several millennia, it takes dedication in both cases.  
In the positive side, it's fall, which means I have a good six or seven months before the burning heat drives me to try and commit murder on the royal person of her highness Princess Celestia.

Heh, Her Highness. HH.  
SIEG HEIL!

WILL YOU QUIT IT YOU FAT NAZI FUCK? Damn it.

I don't bother with breakfast because it's for homos. I mean, really, you just woke up and can't handle waiting until noon? That's bullshit, and you know it as well as I do. I mean, come on.  
And no, the fact I often wake up in the middle of the afternoon has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I don't usually have breakfast. I honestly don't see why you would think that.

I don't shower either, because I shower before going to bed, like a normal person should. At least that's what I think. But since I'm not fucking normal AT ALL, I suppose that makes my argument invalid, right?  
Not like there was any arguing going on in the first place, but I'm like that.  
EVERYTHING is srs bsns.

Also I don't shave, because facial hair is extremely manly, and I'm like, the ambassador of the human race and shit, therefore I have taken it upon myself to become the embodiment of manliness. However I DO take a shit, mostly because there are no public toilets in Ponyville. Seriously, it's like they're just doing it in the grass or something, or in their homes. Ew, bunch of casuals. I'd have to tell them to get the fuck off me, if they were on me to begin with.

Alright so uh, now that I have digressed enough for the time being, where was I again? Oh, right.  
Time to go to town.

After putting on some half-decent clothes, I leave my house, closing and locking the door behind me. I know not a single pony would ever even consider the fact that they could enter my house and steal my shit, or do anything really, but well, I'm a human.  
A human from planet Earth and shit. Old habits die hard.

I don't have anything worth stealing, though. And most of my stuff is custom made to fit my superior species.

I start walking along the little dirt path leading into Ponyville, singing a cheerful tune.

"THAT, WHICH THE WORLD HAS LOST DOES WAIT, FOR THE DAWNING OF THIS FATE"

Not remembering the rest of the lyrics, I keep humming and eventually I shut up when I realize every single pony is looking at my obnoxiously loud ass.  
Oh well, it's time to kick ass and seduce mares.  
And I'm all out of ass.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.  
Alright man, you can do this. You can do this, you've been through worse. You watched Blade Runner, the whole thing, and without falling asleep. YOU CAN DO THIS SHIT!

The first mare I see will be my first target. I will succeed. For the power of Islam flows through my veins, and the great Allah will-

Yeah, no. Wrong line. My bad. I put that particular thought away for the time being, and exhale slowly. Alright, the first mare I see. The first mare I see... Let's do this.

I slowly open my eyes, and any feeling of confidence I had dies in a heartbeat.

I hesitate, pondering over whether or not I should disregard what I said about the first mare I would lay my eyes on. Because I'll be damned if that mare right there isn't the Annoying and Moronic Trixie, right in the middle of the town, walking around with her crappy ass cape and ugly hat.  
And nopony is even minding her presence. Bunch of amnesic fucks.

But then, if I start to lie to myself and betray my own promises to my own self... I ain't never gonna get shit done that way. So what the fucking hell. I walk up to the blue mare, unable to shake off that feeling of impending doom, and I brace myself for failure.  
I know that feeling of incoming fail way too well to fully ignore it anyway, even if I could physically repress my emotions.

I approach her slowly, and eventually come to a halt as I see her levitating something from her saddle bag, which was hidden below the cape, apparently. You take a look at that thing.  
It's huge. It's pink.

It's a huge pink... vibrator? What the fuck?  
At this point I simply lose my shit and start laughing, hard. Trixie turns to me and starts blushing, although she is quick to replace it with a frown.

"Trixie demands that you stay away from her, you disgusting, overgrown monkey!"

"Yeah well, you can't really expect to go around town with a HUGE PINK BANANA, and not have monkeys all up in your shit, now can you?" I manage to say (or rather, shout) in between laughs.

I lose it again and start crying from how fucking hard I'm laughing, and her blush comes back at full force, along with the increasingly large crowd of ponies gathering around, looking at the two of us. In her colon anguish induced rage, she drops her big dildo thingy, and I pick it up, before clenching it in my fist and raising my arm.

HOLY SHIT DUDE, I FOUND A DILDO! THE PEOPLE DEMAND RUBBER DICKS! ...Yeah, no. Wrong script.  
Sorry, sorry. My bad.

So anyway, I'm right there, waving the big pink thing into the air in the middle of about ten ponies or so.

"FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS, I PRESENT YOU, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE'S PERSONAL MAGIC WAND!"

Her face is literally red, she looks like Big Mac or something. A little unicorn filly walks up to me, eyeing the sextoy with interest.

"Mister human, can I touch it? Please?"

Before I can lose my shit any further (implying that's even possible), her mom rushes to me and grabs her daughter in a telekinetic field, before galloping away.  
All the ponies around me have trouble containing their laughter, and a suppressed laugh is just about the most contagious kind of laugh there is.

Resisting the urge of sticking it up the blue magician's cunt while screaming 'everypony into the tunnel of love!', I instead clench the large pastic dick between my teeth as if it were a rose in some sappy romantic scene, before kneeling down and taking one of Trixie's hoofs in my hand.

I take the vibrator in my other hand and offer it to her. "Care for a dance, Mademoiselle?"

She looks at me with the most hateful glare she can muster.

"FUCK OFF, NIGGER PIECE OF SHIT, FUCKING MONGREL!"

God. Damn.  
She's so mad. So much anal pain, so hurt. Her poor, barren shithole must be burning with frustration and rage.

"Wow, damn. So much butthurt... How can one's ass be so sore? Must be from overusing that thing, isn't it?"

I stand back up, putting the sextoy in my pocket, before laughing even harder than before. Her face looks like it's fucking boiling, and it might just explode at any second now.  
Word quickly got around that the giant alien monkey thingy was immune to magic, as it apparently was a first in the history of Equestria, to have a sentient being immune to magic. She knows she can't do anything against me.  
Obviously she could buck me in the nuts, but thankfully, since that doesn't work at all on stallions, nopony does it, and everypony is completely oblivious to a man's most glaring weakness.

Maybe this land ain't so bad, after all.  
She teleports away in a mix of pure, unaltered rage and deep shame, with a little hint of sadness somewhere maybe. That said, I'm surprised she disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and not an explosion of spaghetti. Oh well.  
She's probably used to being humiliated in public.

So kinky.

But it's not like I would ever have gotten laid with her, anyway. Not only I don't like her, but she's way too... way too herself. At least I made her look like a complete fucking tool.  
Which is what she has always been, right?  
And I had a serious giggle. Fuck, I haven't laughed that hard in... ever?

And I got a free pink horse vibrator. The prestige has been doubled.

What? No, this ain't Call of Duty. OH SHIT. Once again I stopped making sense.

Reboot.

Reboot complete. That's better. Oh and yeah, that was another thing. Not many ponies actually swear, but those who do... Damn. Nearly human-like.

With the 'first first mare' of the day out of the way, I decide to keep walking towards fuck knows what, and let Islam guide my-  
NOT AGAIN.

I decide to keep walking towards... actually, screw that 'first mare' idea. Of all the ponies who witnessed my little 'show' with Trixie, at least fifteen or them were mares. Guess it's time to verify if my theory was any true...

Onwards to Golden Oaks.

Goddamn, I'm panting like a fat idiotic prick. I never though laughing while walking would take so much breath out of me, damn. Straightening my hair out, I loudly pop my joints and knock on the door. I gave up long ago on trying to look any good.  
While I DO have a few things going for me (very few), looks ain't exactly one of them. I'm a human anyway, so I suppose ponies don't know or care what a good-looking human should look like.

In the end, it might just work in my advantage...

Heh, who am I kidding? That would be a first in my life.  
Lost in my thoughts, I stand there like an idiot, not even realizing there's a small note pinned to the door. I detach it and bring it to eye level, raising an eyebrow as I start reading out loud.

"Rarity, I went to Canterlot for some private business with Flash Sentry. If you happen to deliver my dress today, please fold it neatly on my desk, and help you to my bits, whatever it may have cost. The door is open, the money is behind the desk in a small safe. The code is HH-14-88-SS.  
Love, Twilight Sparkle."

Jesus fucktitting Christ. This isn't being naïve or too trustful. This is being downright fucktarded.  
Well, at least it means she finally realized that Flash was here all along, and that she didn't need to go through dimensions and shit to see his orange ass again.

That also means my theories just went to shit, and she doesn't have a human fetish or anything. Though 'private business' could mean something else, I mean, with these damn ponies you can never really know for sure.  
Meh.

Shrugging, I open the door before helping ME to her bits. Grabbing just enough to buy me a snack or something, I make a mental note of telling her about that whole 'I'm a stupid gullible fuck who needs to be robbed and raped in order to understand that maybe I should consider locking up my shit and stopping basically writing on my door 'COME ON INSIDE, FREE MONEY!'' thing.

Walking outside, I hear hoofsteps. I quickly rush back inside as I hear the telltale humming of a certain white fashionista. She enters the library, shaking her rump way more than necessary, especially considering nopony is watching, and she's levitating a large dress behind her.  
How do they even wear that shit? Beyond the pointlessness and unpracticalness and fuck you I think I'm inventing wordsness, if a girl wore such shit back home, people would fucking pelt her ass with rocks or something.

I'm forced to back up below the stairs, in the shadows, hoping that she won't see me. It's pretty damn dark in here with the lights off in the early morning. Not so early anymore now I guess.

Damn it. I let the safe open... Shit.  
Oh, what is that? Yeah, it's a dress you stupid bitch. Now that's right, you stay away from me. You put the damn thing on the damn desk and you get your white flank outta here, capiche?

I silently move further back, and step into some sort of closet or something. So much for the bookworm pone being all tidy and OCD-ridden and shit, this is worse than my room.

What part of fuck off does she not understand? God, what the fuck is that stupid unicorn doing?  
Damn it, now she's moving closer. She's gonna get me in trouble, fuck's sake.  
STAY THE FUCK AWAY YOU NAZI BITCH!

I always imagined her with a Nazi uniform, somehow. Complete dominatrix attire and shit, with leather riding crops, later? chains, ropes, and all that other fetish BDSM stuff for some reason. And speaking of Nazis, I'm pretty sure

Twilight has changed the code on her safe just for Rarity.

Because, well, I may or may not have told them about the greatness of the Führer and how wonderfully glorious the Third Reich was. On occasion, ponies will give me the Nazi salute.

Shit is so cash.

But right now, I've got bigger problems than worrying about how I might have forgotten to tell the princess about my plans to build a 1:1 replica of the Reichstag in the middle of the plains bordering Ponyville.  
White pone is trotting around, visibly looking for something, and that something might just be located where my stupid ass thought it was a good idea to hide.

I'm half-stuck in that cramped closet thingy, and I can't really see much.  
Oh wait, she stopped. Good, she found what she was... What the hell? She's levitating... lingerie?  
This bitch is sniffing Twilight's underwear? AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD PONIES WEAR PANTIES ANYWAY? AT LEAST LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO HAVE A SMELL?  
God I'm even more fucked up than I thought. My mind has just been fucked a bit further, though. It appears that I was right, at least, Rarity is into some kinky fetish stuff.

As hot as it is, Twilight is having fun with that useless Flash faggot and Rarity would rather get her some whipped, panty-covered purple pony poon. While that means we share a common desire, which is more than I would ever have thought possible from her, it doesn't exactly give me much chances with her, either.

Hell, maybe I could ask her to be my wingmare? Still, that makes three mares I know I have no chance with.  
Three in twenty minutes. I mean, I had some really bad streaks back on Earth but... Fuck damn, shit is getting worse for me.  
After an eternity, the purple maned unicorn finally decides it's time to fuck off, and I can finally get my fat ass out of this damn closet. I struggle though, literally half of me is stuck in the closet.  
It's like 2007 all over again.

I decide to grab another handful of bits, as compensation for what I just had to go through, when I notice something is off. Apart from the fact Rarity kept the dress and ignored the money...

The smell.  
The fucking smell, goddamn. Was she in heat or something? Holy fuck it's strong, it's everywhere and it stinks.  
In a good way, somewhat, but a hard-on isn't exactly what I need right now. Shit, she even leaked a bit on the floor.

Trying not to breathe, I run outside with my pockets full of Jew gold, and I slow down to a jog as I finally let pure, fresh air enter my lungs.  
Damn, for real, I had never smelled that stuff so... personally. I absolutely HATE the swift and brutal 'go straight to cock, do not pass brain, do not collect rational thoughts' effect it has on me, and I dread to imagine what it would be like to have to be around a mare in heat, or whatever what making her produce that scent.

Or worse, rejected by one.  
Well, rape time it would be, then.

Fuck that thought.  
Shaking my head, as if it could help me get rid of unwanted thoughts, I slow down again to a simple walk. A loud scream is all I hear before getting the wind knocked out of me.

I stagger backwards, clenching my chest and muttering something about niggers and how they should go fuck a goat. Looking at my (somewhat blurry) surroundings, I don't see what could have possibly just impacted me with such strength.  
That is, unless I count Rainbow Dyke. The cyan pegasus is sprawled out on the ground, apparently unconscious, with a bloody nose.

A bloody nose? What the hell? Is that even called a nose for ponies? Did she break it? Her snout? Is that how it's called?  
Did she fly into me? Do I have blood on my shirt? Yes I do. Yes she did.  
Damn it. Confound the shit outta these cocksucking ponies.  
Looking at her unconscious body, my face must be like, a mix of 'not this shit again', 'fucking Satan' and 'they keep jumpin' yo' shit and y'all keep goin' down, one more time and that's it for ya'.

I reluctantly pick her up and sling her over my shoulder like a bag of potatoes or something. It doesn't help that I hate her. I think.  
I still don't know why, exactly. It might be because she's overrated. It might be because she's probably getting more pussy than I ever will. It might be because her voice is annoying and she's bragging too much. It might be because she's a goddamn lesbian, which means one less available mare for my lonely ass. Not like I'd ever get any, especially not with her, but well. Principles and all that shit I guess.  
Probably, it's a mix of all the above reasons, amplified by the fact I hate sports and everything that isn't about sitting down and not doing shit. Yeah, I'm lazy like that, not like it's a big surprise.

I start walking around, with the wannabe Wonderbolt resting against the side of my head. Her soft fur is gently brushing against my ear...

HOLY SHIT BONER DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Boner ready for deployment. Waiting for your mark.

Her silky feathers feel heavenly against my cheek, and her front hooves massage my back with every step...

PLS DON'T BONER, PLS PLS SRSLY PLS LIKE PLS I FUCKING IMPLORE YOUR MERCY SPARE MY SOUL

And her very slightly musky scent, mixed with just a subtle hint of sweat, and...

Tactical boner is a go. Fire away.

My stupid cock is like, 'intimidate those who intimidate others, that's my job'. I have no idea what the fuck that means, but now I'm sporting quite the massive erection.  
The fat, tall alien thing with a huge fucking hard-on, in the middle of the town, with an unconscious and bleeding Element of Harmony slung over my shoulder.

Totally legit.

Hell, I can even see a part of her marehood half-hidden behind her muscled legs.  
Bluewaffle . jpg

Oh great. Fanfuckingtastic. That little unicorn filly from before. Just perfect.  
And now she's running up to me again, looking at Rainbow Dash's ass. It's only now that I notice her little perky dark blue teats brushing up agasint my chest.

Be advised, boner is now at 120% capacity. Guns guns guns.

God.  
Why am I such a filthy horsefucker? Oh yeah, because that's the only logical thing to be with no humans here.  
Right?

"Hey mister human, can I have an autograph please?"

Goddamn it, back away you little... little midget pony. What do you call a smaller form of already smaller small horses?  
I pathetically try to bend over. Maybe because that would make Rarity appear and buy me some time? Or more like, because that will allow me to somehow hide my junk below my massive gut.

And now the filly is jumping everywhere, making me dizzy. What's wrong with her? Is she Pinkie Pie's lost sister or something? Damn.

Looking at her, I try to remain somewhat friendly. "Well uh, I'm kinda busy right now, maybe another time?"

She gives me a weird, confused look. "No I meant, an autograph from Rainbow Dash! She's so awesome!"

...Retardalert . gif

"Uh, she's... uh, resting." I say, trying to muscle my way past her. It doesn't prove to be too hard, considering that she's like two and a half feet at best. God, I feel sorry for her dad.

"I want an autograph!" she keeps screaming, starting to get on my nerves.

She tries to tug on Rainbow's mane with her weak filly magic as I walk away, carrying well over three hundred pounds on my feet.

"I want an autograph! I want an autograph!"

Aw hell. This is about to get all Baghdad and shit. Once again, a familiar feeling has returned. A different one this time. The one that means something along the lines of 'ANGER initiating, overriding in progress, BRAIN shutting down, you are now running the latest version of RAGE'.

No longer in full control of myself (was I ever?), I turn around and see the damn filly still jumping around, her horn shining a very faint glow of pink... or yellow? Or is it beige?

Who cares.

"I WANT AN AUTOGRAPH!"

"AND I WANT A FUCKING BLOWJOB! YET YOU DON'T SEE ME JUMPING AROUND LIKE AN INBRED FUCK AND TELLING EVERYPONY ABOUT IT, SO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH ALREADY!"

...Well, good job. Well played. Now she's shyly backing away, and her eyes are watering.  
Oh well, it's not like it's the first time I have a violent outburst in the middle of the town. Ponies aren't getting used to it but they know me, I keep it real.  
Way too real, sometimes. A good other seven or eight ponies are closing in, probably to see what's the deal with shouting so damn early in the morning, especially about autographs and blowjobs and things like that.

Somehow, they start acting like Parisian people going to work, stuck in the massive traffic jams on the boulevard périphérique. Mostly they simply honk their horns, lower their windows and start screaming nonsensical insults at each other for no reason. Then, other fags join in, honking and screaming as well, despite the fact they have no idea why, or what's going on at all.

And these ponies right in front of me are doing just that. They're now arguing and insulting each other for apparently no reason, considering I was the one who started shit, as usual. I think one of them just called another one a 'flank kissing zebrafucker'? Was that it? Damn.

Heh. Maybe Zecora could help me. I might not be immune to her 'magic', potions and stuff. Oh well anyway, it looks like my diversion has been made. Let's move.  
I turn around and stealthily walk away.

I haven't even walked two hundred feet yet, and already an annoying voice is ringing in my ears. It's vulgar, butch as hell and obnoxiously loud.

"What you just did to my daughter, boy?"

What. Like, what.  
Without even turning around, I already know that whoever that voice belongs to, it might mean trouble. Trouble has found me at last. It's been so long... A couple hours at best.  
Still, I guess the right thing to do is to turn around, right? Right.

Weird ass chubby unicorn with a flashy pink coat and beige curly mane... Looks like the typical blonde afro. She's wearing some kind of fat mama dress-apron thingy, all pink and shit.  
That was the little filly's mother, apparently, who levitated her daughter, denying her access to Trixie's dildo.

I love how I always manage to make bad things sound even worse.

With her ridiculous 'clothing', I can't even see her cutie mark. I'd have to assume it must be something like a bag of baby dicks. Or a dropped soap.  
Or a KFC bucket full of watermelons.

Damn I'm a racist faggot. Nothing new here, but still, I manage to amaze myself everyday.

I sigh and give her a 'wow clm dwn m8 way 2 edgy 4 me tbh' look. I somewhat calmed down but I could still snap pretty easily, so I better take it easy for now.

"I didn't do anything, now if you'll let me, this pony right there is injured, and I need to take her to the hospital."

"First o' all you's gonna answer me! What was you doin' with my daughter?"

Seriously? Why do these ponies ALWAYS want to fuck with me? I mean, do I have some kind of sign on my face that says 'come piss me off pls'?

"A better question would be, what was SHE doing with me? You never taught her to mind her own business, and not go out of her way to annoy others? I was minding my own business, something you should try one day, and out of nowhere she came up to me and started annoying me. Just like her mother, apparently. It makes sense."

"Don't ya be talkin' 'bout me like that, boy. Ya don't know me. I'm gon' be showin' ya what I be teachin' my daughter."

"Really? You wanna suck my cock, like that in the middle of the street? We should maybe get a room or something first."

Her face turns red with anger, and I snicker. It ALWAYS works.  
Time to fuck off, once again. I turn around and start walking again, when I hear the telltale sound of a unicorn's horn lighting up. Heh, amusing. She doesn't know.  
Oh well, by the time she realizes, I'll be out of range. Of hearing range at least, I hope. She has the typical fast-food worker tone in her voice. Loud and horrible annoying, yet she doesn't pronounce half of the words.

Suddenly I'm violently yanked backwards, as if something was pulling Rainbow's body away from me.  
I fall on my ass, and my momentum sends me 'rolling' on my back. While I keep my grasp on the blue pony, I hear her head hit the ground and my heart skips a beat.  
Or two.

I get up as quickly as my FAT ASS will allow me to, and I kneel down in front of her. She doesn't seem hurt, at least not more than she was already. She's breathing softly, but she's obviously still unconscious. I let out a sigh of relief.  
I wouldn't want even worst pony to be too badly hurt. Although, 'worst pony'... I think there's some nigger ass bitch right behind me who now deserves the title of worst pony. Once again, anger overrides any rationality I could have been feeling at the moment.

Three failures, public humiliation and nearly being charged with assault, kidnapping and pedophilia within thirty minutes. I'm getting better at this shit. Such dark times... This calls for desperate measures. Letting Rainbow Dash on the ground, I get up and look at the pink bitch.

"What did you just do?"

Seeing how pissed I am, she doesn't seem to want to act so tough anymore.

"You realize you could have killed her, right?"

"No! I... I was just tryna defend my daughter!"

Stupid whore. I swiftly close the distance and grab her horn, lifting her off the ground. She starts to uselessly thrash around.

"You should raise her properly, and teach her some goddamn manners, before defending her against shit that she doesn't need to be defended against."

Bringing my foot to her fat rump, I bring a hand to my chin, thinking. Yeah, let's do this.  
I frown and slightly lower my foot, my brain filling up with complex calculations and shit. I slowly lick my index finger on my free hand, and raise it into the air.  
Yeah, that's gonna work.

Now knowing the direction of the wind, I lower my foot completely, turn about sixty degrees to my left and let go off her horn, throwing a foot behind me. As she's about to hit the ground, I fucking cuntpunt her with all my might.

Homerun!

She literally flew fifty feet away.  
THE POWER I HOLD I UNIIIIIIIIIIIMAGINABLE

I walk up to her and stomp my foot in front of her head. She's hurting, and not daring to look at me.

"You don't fuck with me. You just don't. You keep your stupid ass daughter off MY ass, and you stay the fuck from 'round here. Punk."

I half-expect her to go like, 'hey nigga, fuck you', but she doesn't. Walking back where Dash is, I pick her up again, although much more gently this time. She's not worst pony anymore, she deserves better treatment. Now where the fuck was I headed already? Home? The hospital? Where is it anyway?  
Screw that.

Screw you ponies, I'm going home.  
I never trusted doctors, and the impressive amount of similarities between Earth and Equestria leads me to believe it would not be wise to trust pony doctors, either. After walking for about ten minutes, I reach my house and unlock the door, before entering and sitting down on my small couch. I somehow keep Rainbow Dash in my arms.

Now I guess I can be honest with myself, and admit that I DO enjoy the feeling of her coat, and body warmth, against me. Finally a little warmth in my life... From a passed out midget horse, but that's better than nothing I suppose.  
Reaching into my pockets, I realize that I still have a lot of bits. And I initially wanted to go grab a snack, as well as doing some other shit while at it.

I carefully lay down the 'sleeping' pony on the couch, and walk up the two flights of the stairs, not without routinely throwing a dart at a portrait of Celestia on the wall. I take a quill and a piece of scroll, and get to work.  
It took me a while to learn to write with those things but really, the only difference is that I need to dip it in ink before writing.

'Dear Rainbow Dyke. You knocked your blue ass out by being the hot-headed, fast ass pone you have always been, flying into me. I, being glorious master fat race, withstood your powerful blow(job) and used COUNTER for double damage, obviously OHKOing your light pegasus ass.'

She's not gonna understand shit but I always wrote nonsense so...

'You hurt your nose and you bled on me. Feeling generous, I'm not going to sue you for it. Anyway, I-'

Damn it. I try to keep writing but my clip is empty.  
I need to unlock extended magazines on this motherfucker. I pointlessly scream as I dip the quill in my little ink pot.

"TOPPIN' OFF, STAND BY!"

I'm considering buying some tape and making dual quills and shit.

'I brought you back to my house, because that's what a friend would do, I guess. Even if we're not friends. I don't really know, who needs details anyway. You will probably be alone by the time you wake up, since I have shit to take care of. Feel free to help yourself to some food and water, there's some cider in the fridge too. And there are painkillers in the bathroom, second floor, if you need them. Clean your face is you want, but if you value your life, keep your blood away from my towels. I left fifty bits on the table, I expect to see at least twenty remaining when I get back home, lest I will hunt your cyan ass down and terminate it, wiping you out with precision the likes of which have never been witnessed before in Equestria.'

I'm too busy spewing inky diarrhea onto the paper and chuckling at it to hear Rainbow Dash grunting downstairs.

'So-'

How do I end a letter already?

'So long, gay boy!'

Yeah, that will do.

'Not that sincerely, your, and everypony's favorite human, as well as best human overall, Nosfrat.'

I should get my shit published or something. This is brilliant.  
I fold the scroll and walk back downstairs, muttering shit about how I need to find a way to make Celestia my personal slave, and force her to fly me up and down the stairs whenever I want.  
I swear I'll have my revenge one day, bitch will fall. I'll make sure of that.

Rainbow Dash, startled by my angry muttering reeking of coup d'état conspiracy, decides to pretend she's still out. Being the idiot I am, I totally believe it.  
I can't help but feel a little guilty, after all, while she did fly into me, I, being the fat ass I am, am responsible for having sent her into a coma or whatever she's into. Had I been a normal-sized human... Well, she would have probably knocked herself out too... And the fat probably cushioned the impact a bit. Still, better her than me.  
Yeah, fat human is best human. Unlike them, I ain't never ate from a trash can.

I put the letter down on the small table in front of the couch, and reach for my pockets, taking out a handful of bits. Setting them down on the table, I chuckle, mostly because it makes me like, 'thanks for last night, sex was good, regards', but I try to ignore that thought. Realizing I still have Trixie's vibrator doesn't help, and I decide to put it down on the table as well.  
For shits and giggles.

I really wish I could be here when she wakes up, but I have other plans for this afternoon. I walk out, locking the door behind me.  
After all, my bedroom window is open. If she can't think about checking upstairs, well, too bad for her.  
...or actually, too bad for me, seeing how we're talking about Rainbow Dash. Not feeling like buying new windows, I pinch the bridge of my nose is annoyance as I walk back and unlock the door, before setting off into the sunset.

Wait. What the fuck? The sunset?  
It was morning an hour ago. Checking my watch, the '12:12' on it does little to relieve my fears. A quick glance through the window at the clock on my living room's wall confirms what I'm thinking.

Celestia is drunk.

God, I hate that bitch. She's always fucking around, and trolling me. I can't believe I haven't worst pony'd her ass the day I got here. Now that I think of it, Rainbow never deserved the title.  
What's wrong with me? I'm going soft... Damn it.

Suddenly, I realize the Sun is high up in the sky again. I close my eyes and shake my head, and when I open them again, it's still mid-day. Well, that was peculiar.

I pretty quickly came to realize that nothing in Equestria makes much sense. Ponies don't make sense, and most magic-related shit makes the opposite of sense, whatever that may be.

Seriously, it's like Discord and Pinkie Pie had sex, giving birth to some weird ass kids, then those kids fucked each other, and their retarded offspring fucked both their parents. And that resulted in Equestria's laws of physics.  
Or something.

Alright so, what do I have to do now? I take out a small note from my pocket (seriously how much shit do I have in those pockets?) and read it.

'TO-DO LIST. #1: Get laid. #2: -'

I didn't need a list to remember that. And there's no #2. Well, I might as well go and try to do what I have to do. I have a whole afternoon to try and do what I haven't managed to do in years.  
Ain't gonna happen.

A man's gotta try, though. I'm try harding. Tryharding, even.  
I keep walking, thinking about the mares I know, and which ones could be interested in... stuff. I can't get much solo brainstorming done though, as once again something comes barreling into my sides, this time knocking me over.

* * *

**_A/N: The song I 'sing' is 'The Avatar', by the British extreme power metal band Ascension._**


	2. Dreams and Realities

I get up, brushing some dust and grass off me. This was MUCH less violent than Rainbow sky attack'ing me at escape velocity, but it still somewhat hurt.  
Looking to the side, I see a gray pegasus lying in the grass, upside down with her snout buried into the ground, and her flank up in the air.

I roll my eyes. Derpy and I always kinda got along, we were both considered 'weird', and we were both under the assumption we were the only normal ones, surrounded by a bunch of weirdos in this mad, mad world.

I give her a hand and she gets up, thanking me and apologizing for the 'disagreement' as she put it. She fumbles with her saddlebags and eventually manages to take a muffin, which she gives me, and an envelope, wwich she begins to munch on.  
As much as I like that pony, I must admit she's still retarded. I stop her, give her the muffin and take the envelope. She gives me a sheepish smile as I gently pat her on the head.

She's blonde as fuck, but unlike dumb blondes back home, this is one is cute and innocent. Or so I like to think...  
To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if she were some kind of hardcore freak with really fucked up fantasies and shit.

I open the envelope, and inside is a little piece of scroll. Oh damn. Oh damn, damn, damn, damn.

YES VLAD, UH, PLEASE DON'T CUT MY COCK OFF EH?  
...once again I'm sidetracking. Sorry for the inconvenience.

The royal seal. Shit is real now, and comes from up there.  
Deathfromabove . bik

ENEMY AC-130 AB-

NO. Not again. Finally gaining back control of my brain, I start reading. It's not even a letter, merely a list.

- Public humiliation (-1)  
- Virtual violence against royalty (-4)  
- Assault and battery (-10)  
- Theft and home invasion (-7)  
- Rebellion and plotting against royalty (-58)

What the FUCK. Is this a list of all the shit I did today?  
Unfurling the scroll completely, I see Celestia's latest official 'signature'.

'I'm made of magic, my feathers gleam, I am perpetual, I keep the country clean.'

This bitch has popped her membrane years ago. But that's official, and I'm in trouble. And now I can remember what the numbers meant.

THE NUMBERS, MASON. Yeah. They meant that.

When I first arrived here, nopony was really trusting me. When I settled in into my house, Celestia told me she had registered my name into her database or some other shit, like hell I was listening, I had better things to do.  
Like, thinking up ways to get me some booze and daily meat.  
No, not that kind of meat you gay ass faggots.

So yeah, she said she would keep track of my criminal record, and gave me a total amount of 'points'. She then told me that for reach criminal act I commit, I would lose a certain amount of points, depending on how severe the crime was.  
She asked me how many points I thought would be fair for a being like you. Not even giving a shit about whatever it was she was babbling on about, I said what I always say when asked about numbers.

Sixty-nine.

I assume she took it literally, considering how unlikely it is that the actual sex position could exist here. I can't really picture it working for ponies. Especially since they last forty seconds at best. Or so I was told.  
Back on Earth, by crappy fanfiction writers. Yeah maybe they last longer.  
WHATEVER.

I quickly count how many points were deducted in total, assuming this is the first time I ever commit a 'criminal' act, but the 'fifty-eight' really emphasizes on how fucked I am...

Eighty in total.  
Balls. This is bad. I'm in trouble. Derpy has been looking at me with a worried smile since a few minutes... Well, that was a fun ride while it lasted.

No, what the hell? It was horrible, and boring as shit. My whole life has been boring and annoying, and now I'm gonna get thrown in jail or something? Fuck that.  
Nothing I can do to prevent it though... I'm immune to magic, that includes alicorn magic, but they could still levitate stuff to hit me with. And even then, physically speaking, I wouldn't like to have to take on more than two or three royal guards at once. The motherfuckers are HUGE for a bunch colorful midget ponies.  
I'm too slow and mentally unstable to hope running away without fucking up and making shit worse on myself.

"Well Derpy, that's it for me I guess. I'm gonna have my ass murdered by the princess. It was nice knowing you."

She looks confused for a few seconds, and chuckles, probably thinking I'm joking or something. I cup her face with a hand and look at her, getting all solemn and shit.

"Derpy, I'm serious. This is the end for me. We need to make love one last time, right here, right now, after all what better-"

My outburst of RAPE is short-lived as a goddamn flash of light blinds me, forcing me to let go off the gray pony and shield my eyes.

Oh, look. A wild CELESTIA appeared!  
Hoorah. I totally needed that. Before she can speak, I shoot her one of my signature human glares, freezing her in place. She probably can read in my eyes, and it must be something along the lines of 'U CAN BASH THE FUK OUT O' ME ALL U WANT FREND FOR I WIL HAVE U KNO THAT I TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT THT I, M8, AM ETERNAL'. Or something.  
Apparently understanding it, she remains silent as I take her little scroll, turn it around, grab a quill from my bottomless pockets and write on it.

SUNBUTT'S CRIME RECORD  
- COCKBLOCK (-69)

I give it to her, crossing my arms and motioning to Derpy, frowning. The white alicorn mildly chuckles, before speaking.

"It has come to my attention that you went on quite a spree, today."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know me, I keep it real, unlike you fake ass mother-... I mean, uh... yeah. Unlike you fake ass motherfuckers. That's what I really meant."

She doesn't seem to give much of a fuck, but then the only time I ever saw her giving a fuck was when she caught me in the middle of the town on the day I arrived.

"Look, do whatever you want to me, I don't care, alright? I'm done with this shit. Life sucked where I'm from, life sucks here, prison or whatever you're planning for my ass can't possibly be much worse."

She clears her throat and drops her smile.

"Well, I actually had something else to give you."

She claps her front hooves together, and nothing happens. She frowns, and tries it again. Giving up, her eyes start to glow white.  
I don't like where this is going.

Suddenly she screams, "DISCORD!".

"WOAH 2EDGY BACK OFF" I scream, backing up a few steps.

A male voice echoes through... wherever I am. Do sounds echo through a plain? I have long given up on trying to find any sense in this shit. Opening my eyes, I see Discord hovering nearby. And Celestia looks REALLY pissed.  
At him, apparently. Not at me.

"What did you do to my horn?"

I finally notice she has some kind of ring on her horn. Heh, looks like a cockring.  
NO, BAD BONER. DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING, MOTHERFUCKER!

"I didn't do anything, why would you ask? In fact, I find that piece of jewerly very... pimp, as our human friend here would put it. Right?"

I look up at him and raise an eyebrow. This 'dude' is too fucked up, even for me.

"Yeah playa, pimp as fuck. Go get 'em hoes now, 'know what I'm sayin' dog?"

He spawns a monocle out of nowhere and starts talking with a snob voice.

"Dear gentleman, I do believe I understand the matters of which you-"

A fucking Solar Beam stops him dead in his tracks. For added drama, he 'snaps' his body in half, and plays dead.  
Celestiaisnotamused . png

"I didn't do anything, you see? You can still use that ugly thing you have on your inferior pony forehead."

"Discord, I control the Sun. I have its powers in me."

"Then why don't you warm me up, babe? It's getting cold in-"

And another Solar Beam. It feels like I'm battling Gary MOTHERFUCKING Oak on my Blue cartridge all over again, like I did fourteen years ago. I just stand there, annoyed and mildly bored, waiting for whatever horrendous shit is gonna come out from whatever is currently happening.  
A few minutes later, they finally stop fighting and arguing, and Discord gives me a small piece of paper. Not scroll, this time, actual paper.

I eye it cautiously before picking it up, reading it.

- Secretly craving Rainbow pussy (+666)

I start blushing like a faggot, now unsure of whether I REALLY ever hated Dash or not.

Celestia sighs again, and does some magic bullshit thing to the paper, which now reads:

- Critical help to an Element of Harmony (+10)

I look at her, confused as ever.

"CELESTIA, WON'T YOU EXPLAIN SHIT FOR ME? I'M AS CONFUSED AS I'VE EVER BEEN. I AM TURNING BACK AND GOING HOME, IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU COULD LEAVE ME ALONE?"

I start humming some kind of guitar / synth / whatever solo, when I hear something behind me. Barely having the time to turn around, I'm thrown back on my ass. AGAIN.  
Man, shit's getting old.

...And now there's a smiling Rainbow Dash on top of me, smiling. What's next?  
And her smile looks really genuine, too. Too much nonsense, so little time... You'd think I'd be used to it after a month, but I'm still not.

"Thanks... for everything." she says, handing me back the fifty bits and the sextoy, and confusing me beyond what I ever thought possible. What is she on now? And what the hell is she doing?  
Both Celestia and Discord look at us, before their mouths turn into large shit-eating grins.  
Shooting Rainbow a hateful glare, I start blushing despite my best attempts at pretending nothing just happened and shit is as normal as it'll ever be.  
Which it, sadly, is.

Dash keeps smiling, brushing her tail against my thighs. Seriously, I'm not the best at reading people, or ponies in this case, as far as emotions go but there's definitely something wrong with this land and its inhabitants. What sense am I supposed to make out of that?

None, you idiotic fuck.  
Right, well call it a human instinct or anything, but I'm STILL trying to see sense in everything. Most of everything.

Celestia, her grin never faltering, uses more magic on the paper thingy, and now it reads:

- Critical help and much needed physical care to an Element of Harmony (+15)

Not even trying to understand what she's implying, I realize that unlike eighty minus ten, eighty minus fifteen DOES clear my ass, bringing my current remaining points to four.  
I'm still a bit shocked that two millennia old, immortal demi-God entities or whatever they are, could believe that I, of all people, could have somepony wanting to... yeah. They're gullible as hell apparently.

Rainbow Dash is blushing a bit but she doesn't seem to mind. I resent her implication and shit. What does she want from you?

White royal bitch drops her (fake?) smile, and goes more in-depth into her usual shit nobody really cares about.

"I believe you are now cleared. You only have four points remaining though, so I suggest you keep a low profile for a few days. Your points total will reset at the end of the month."

What? She never said anything about resetting? So I can fuck shit up every month if I don't go above a certain thresold?  
Life in Equestria just got about TWO FUCKING HUNDRED percent cooler.  
Still, Celestia is really a cheeky, crafty little cunt, nothing will change that. I have to give her credit for a few things but damn.

She leans onto me and whispers in my ear, "If things don't work out with Rainbow Dash, my sister would be most interested in making your acquaintance.".

What the everloving COCKSUCKING fuck. Say what now?  
Am I tripping or something? There's no way any of this can be real.  
As she flies away with Discord, I just stand there, with Rainbow Dash resting in my lap, and Derpy hovering around, looking at me with a weird expression, somewhere in between 'so when are you gonna drill me? I'm bored' and 'I hope your ass gets thrown in jail before the reset'. With maybe a bit of 'you're just a liability, why'd you bother coming back?'.

Suddenly, a voice behind me.

"As our sister said, we would be most delighted of making thy acquaintance, human."

WOAH WOAH 5EDGY3ME  
STAY AWAY

...Sure enough, I turn my head to the left and see a dark blue alicorn.  
She won't cry for me (qq more bitch nigger). She wasn't the answer to my life. I haven't waited here for her for a thousand years.  
So what the hell is she doing here?

"Princess Luna?" I ask, though it's more of a rhetorical question than anything. "Oh uh, I mean, hello. I guess, I, uh..." holy shit I'm confused, too much shit going on at once. "What are you doing here?" I manage to ask.

She lowers her head and looks to the side, "We... We are sorry, for we are currently into thy dream."

"Nah it's alright, it's cool, I-"

Wait, what now?

"Wait, what now?"

"Thou are dreaming right now. We wanted to show thee that thou did not need seek the company of any random mare thou would lay eyes upon, for there are quite a few of them, who would fancy to be thy partner, for things we will not linger on."

Her English is weird... But then, being the non-native English speaking foreign faggot that I am, who am I to talk shit about one's language? Hell, I'm sure most ponies regularly quote some of the stupid shit I say when having a laugh together. If not only because of the sheer stupidity of what I say most of the time. That's a real paradox about being intelligent, yet behaving like an idiotic fuck. I know I'm stupid, and I know I could change, yet I won't because it's just more fun that way.

Still, I ponder over what she says, unsure of whether I should be trusting her or not.

"Yeah no, if this is a dream, then why should I believe anything you say?"

"We are real, we have forged thy dream for thee. We have total control over it, but everything thou saw reflects reality."

"No, it reflects what you think is reality. Get out more and see for yourself what shit is like. Rainbow Dash nearly swooning over me? What the fuck kind of wicked, alternate reality do you think you live in, Luna?"

"We have total control over thy dream, it does not mean we have changed anything."

"Speak English, please?"

She sighs and closes the distance, looking at me solemnly.

"Everything that has happened so far would have happened outside of a dream. We only cause certain events to happen, in order to trigger-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Just back off, and wake me up please?"

Seriously, a man can only take so much. Such amounts of mindfuck in such a short period of time... No man should ever have to endure that. I'm gonna have to reboot my brain later.

"We... We have one other thing we have to tell thee."

"Oh boy here we go dot J P G."

"What?"

"Nothing, shoot."

"What do you want us to shoot?"

...SHOOT THE CHARGER!

"Nothing, just tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me."

"We... we really have to insist on the fact everything thou have heard and seen so far in this dream are true and accurate to reality."

"You already said that, haven't you?" I say, eyeing her suspiciously. Seriously, this mare is... I don't know, strange. Not Celestia levels of strange, but something about her is unsettling nonetheless.

Suddenly, I remember her 'introduction'.

"Wait, what are you trying to say? You want me?"

"NO! No, we... we mean, we, uh... Yes, no. We do... Uh."

"Uh? What?"

"We, uh... Thou see, we... Princess Celestia was, uh..."

"Oh, I see. That's so fucking clear, I can't believe I didn't understand the first time."

That elicitates a short chuckle from her. "No, thou see, we may have caused thee to experience a slight misunderstanding. We actually meant our sister's other sister, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. She would be most delighted if-"

"Cadance isn't your sister, or Celestia's! What are you trying to tell me, for fuck's sake?"

"Nothing! We have never tried to tell thee anything. We are sorry, we must go attend to the dreamscaping of other ponies now. Farewell, human."

With a flap of her wings, she's airborne and flying away.

"WAIT! WHAT'S GOING ON? AND WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY?"

Not caring to answer, she gets struck by lightning and disappears with two large trails of fire behind her.  
Okay now what the fuck was all that about?  
So I'm asleep, right? But where? And when?  
And which mares would-

"What are you doing here?"

Wut.

"What are you doing in my closet?"

65wat . jpg

I open my eyes and light blinds me, causing me to close them again. Wait, weren't they open before?  
A purple unicorn is standing in front of me, and I seem to be stuck inside a closet of some sort, below a set of stairs. I must look like Harry Potter or some shit.

Did I fall asleep here when I tried to avoid Rarity? So I would have dreamed everything that followed?  
So I still hate Rainbow Dash, and still have my sixty-nine points? Wait no, Luna said everything that happened would have happened in real life.  
But the question is, is Rainbow-

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? DAMN IT, ANSWER ME FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE!"

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, ALRIGHT? I WAS LIVING MY LIFE, MINDING MY OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, WHICH YOU DAMN PONIES SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER DOING SOMETIMES, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN..."

I drop my rip-off of the royal Canterlot voice, and continue, "All of a sudden, Luna appears nearby and tells me I've been dreaming the last few hours, and she's been shaping my dream to show me I could get laid or something... ARGH,

THIS IS CONFUSING AS ALL FUCK!" I scream, clutching my head between my arms, still trying to get my eyes used to the sudden brightness of the real world.

"What time is it anyway?" I ask her, somewhat scared of what the answer could be.

"Eleven in the morning. Why in the world would you choose to sleep inside my closet?"

Telling her the truth doesn't sound that appealing right now.

Oh hey Twilight, I just wanted to spy on Rarity sniffing your shit and steal some bits to teach you not to be so naïve...  
Yeah, no.  
Time for bullshitting.

"I uh... I came to see if you wanted to hang out or something, and uh, I uh... I saw the note, and I entered and decided I would, uh... give you something. I think I put it in there, somewhere..."

She looks less than satisfied with my nebulous 'explanations'.

"What are you talking about? What did you want to give me, and why would you want to put it in a closet?"

"I don't know, I don't know! Luna erased my memory I think... Some of it? I don't even remember why I went outside this morning, or if I even did."

"You did, you're there."

"You know what I mean..."

Chances are, she doesn't. I'm trying to make it sound like I'm hung over or something, but in a world where cider is the most potent alcoholic beverage... It's not gonna work.

"Whatever, listen I think you should go. Flash is coming over tonight, and we-"

"WHY? Why would you date that coc-... I mean, colt?"

"Uh? Well, he's nice, and uh... We go way back. Way back."

"Nice? He ain't nice, he's a waifu stealer is what he is. Or so I've heard. And he cost you your title, remember?"

She winces at that, but pretends to ignore it. "He's a what now?"

"A waifu stealer."

"What's a waifu?"

"Uh, someon-... somepony you really like."

"Did he steal somepony I really like?"

...  
Brain, you still here buddy?  
Yeah, just trying to process that. I wasn't trained for such stupid shit.  
Yeah, neither was I.

And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is the most prized pupil of her highness Princess Celestia, and formerly a princess herself. Still better than politcians and royalty back on Earth, though.

Regardless, I don't have time for this shit, so I push her away and walk out, not bothering turning back, even when she starts screaming shit about a pink vibrator lying on the ground of her living room.  
Yeah, I have stuff to do. Square business, man.

Luna said she was real. In my dream. Assuming it's true, which it most likely is, it would mean that whatever the hell she said, she actually said it.  
In the real, non-dream world. So I can confront her marine blue ass about it.  
Especially since I was sleeping at a time she should have been sleeping as well. She stayed up 'late' with the sole purpose of fucking with my mind.

With the strong intent to find some answers, I walk to the train station. Hey, wait. I still have all those bits I've stolen?  
Sweeeeeet.  
That's probably hardly enough for both train rides and a snack, but well. I heard there was a restaurant in Canterlot that specialized in meat. I totally need to go there.  
I was told it's run by griffons, who are naturally aggressive and dangerous, but as with most other things in life, I don't give a shit. I'll manhandle them if I have to.

Yeah, half feline, half bird of prey, and my biggest weakness is how slow I am. I totally got this.  
Totally.

I afford one ticket and enter the train car, relieved that there was no damn Tank inside. I lost count of how many times I died to that motherfucker. Though, looking out of the window, the area seems particularly open, it would probably make for an easier fight. Oh well.  
The more I think about it, the more I'm sure I'd rather be on Earth, playing and watching porn or something, than be here.

I mean, I never thought I'd actually say that, and much less mean it, but let's face it... There's nothing for me here, it's not where I belong.  
I sigh, putting my head into my hands.

I don't hear the little filly who's walking up to me. I don't hear or feel her jumping on the seat next to me.  
However, I do feel it when she gets on her hind legs and rests her upper body on my shoulder.

"What the fuck?"

Her AGAIN? Oh.  
Wait, no.  
Yeah, what the fuck.

I know that filly. She doesn't know me though. Yet she looks oblivious to my confused expression. I mean, why the hell would some little filly go and do that shit to a complete stranger, who just happens to be an alien three times taller than her?

"Who are you, mister alien?"

See.

"Who are YOU?"

"Name's Apple Bloom."

"Name's Nosfrat."

"What kind of name is that?"

"Well, what kind of name is Apple Bloom?"

"What are you?"

"I'm a human."

"What is that? Like, some tall bald monkey thing?"

"That's one of the least flattering I ever heard, but that's still one way to put it."

"Do humans have cutie marks?"

.  
Itbegins . jpg

I don't have the time or the energy for this shit, I'm a man on a mission.

"Apple Bloom, I swear if you talk to me about cutie marks, I will fucking gouge your eyeballs out and stitch them to your flank."

"That's not very nice. You ain't scarin' me though, big guy."

Wow, shit. I'm dealing with a badass over here.

"Yeah well, not only do you suck my cock, but also I wasn't trying to scare you. Just leave me alone, I'm busy."

"But... If I leave you alone, then I can't suck your cock, right? Especially if you're busy."

...Okay now I'm legitimately scared. Grabbing her little body, I bring her to close to my ear and shake her violently.  
Hm.

"Discord, you in there?"

A head pops out of the window nearby.

"Why yes, I most certainely am."

I jump in surprise and let go off the filly, who falls into my lap.

"Fuck's sake, I thought you were-"

"No, I didn't even need to. Being raised by the likes of Applejack and other crazy hillbillies does that to a young, fragile mind."

Well, finally something that makes perfect sense, and the God of Chaos was the one to say it... Or, I'm just chaotic myself, since none of other ponies make any sense to me.  
But then, there's no fun in making sense, is there?

He chuckles mildly and leans onto me, whispering in my ear "Given that dicksucking is serious business, I will be leaving now, you two might want a little privacy. Good bye, dear sir.", before disappearing in a puff of pink smoke.

Looking at Apple Bloom, she has a still unfazed, 'all in a day's work' look plastered on her face.

"Okay so, you are NOT going to suck my dick, and I AM getting off at the next station."

Which just happens to be Canterlot.

"But wouldn't it be easier to get off with me sucking your dick?"

"...NO."

"Why?"

"JESUS FUCK WHY DO YOU WANT TO SUCK MY DICK?"

"I don't."

"Then why do you keep asking?"

"You mentioned it."

"But you don't want to do it, and neither do I."

"No."

"Yet you keep talking about it."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

Okay that does it, NO man should have to put up with this FUCKING NIGGER SHIT and only the dead can know peace from such evil.  
I swear, when this is over I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.

I get up as the train speakers announce that I am now in the royal city of snob ass unicorn fags, and I exit the train car, sighing. Unbeknownst to me, in the now 'empty' car, a certain yellow filly turns into a changeling, and takes off, flying back to Sweet Apple Acres.

The black hybrid lands on the orchard, in front of the little Apple Bloom, and waves his flank in front of her. On it, there's some kind of troll face with crossdicks below it.

"I did what you asked of me. I think somehow, you're the problem, I mean, look, it's so easy, changelings don't even have cutie marks, yet doing that stupid thing, posing as you? It got me one. Not that I'm too happy about it though..."

Apple Bloom starts crying, slowly realizing she might just never get her mark.  
Turns out, changelings are actually decent creatures when not starving.

He gets closer to her, and hugs her. "Look here, don't be sad, alright? Maybe your talent is... to be a blank flank for life?"

Watery eyes turns into fucking hydro cannons as the changeling sighs and flies away.  
Yeah, although they're very social due to the whole 'living in a hive' thing, they don't know shit about behaving socially around ponies. Being exiled for centuries does that to some.

* * *

**_A/N: Too many references to the song 'Luna' here, but I'm obsessed with it. And Celestia's slogan is of course a bastardization of Judas Priest's Electric Eye.  
_**


	3. The Lion's Den

Anyway, back to my fat ass stuck in the city of lights and shit. I have no idea what would be the Earth equivalent of Canterlot... Paris, maybe. Everything is old as fuck.  
There are less niggers here, though. Funnily enough, I'm here to see one. A royal one.

As I approach the castle, two guards attempt to stop me. I brandish my arm and wave my hand at them.

"Talk to the hand."

I guess they must be new here, as Celestia set up that little 'gesture' as a secret password for me when I needed to see her. Which I never did, until now. And it's still not her that I need to see.  
Both guards try and attack me with their spears, but I close the doors behind me before they can strike.

Probably they're gonna get in trouble, for not recognizing my 'code', and for failing to neutralize what they did NOT confirm as non-hostile. And for failing to even raise their weapons after I was way past them, all of it in about twenty seconds.

That's some top notch royal guard they have in here... It's REALLY more peaceful than on Earth because that place wouldn't have lasted a week back there.  
Seriously, that feel when you're in the personal, royal guard of the most powerful entity in an entire world, and you can't get your weapon ready or assess a threat in TWENTY SECONDS. Their moms must be so proud.

I start walking deeper into the castle, humming a random tune as I stroll through the giant hallways.

"...SKIN GREASY AND NAKED, TONGUING HER ROTTEN ANUS"

A bunch of guards notice me and their facial expressions go full retard as I continue.

"I NEED A LIVE WOMAN TO FILL WITH MY FLUID, A DELICATE GIRL TO MUTILATE, FUCK AND KILL"

My 'singing' is replaced by laughing as I start avoiding the Earth pony guards rushing me. They're pretty damn fast, but they can't steer worth shit, so they just end up leaving large fissures into the walls.  
One of them even crashed through a giant stained glass window. If anything, they make me like, "SHOOT THE CHARGER!".

Closing the double doors at the end of this particular hallway, I sigh and keep walking, eventually arriving in the throne room. I would have expected it to be on a much higher floor... But maybe the floor is enchanted so that it looks like a flat, endless hallway but it's in fact a long ass set of stairs? That would explain why those hallways are devoid of any feature besides those large stained glasses. I don't know.  
I don't give a shit. I never bothered with formalities or anything, and I ain't gonna start now.

"Princess, I need to see your sister."

I'm panting, for some reason. Most likely because I'm a fat fuck.  
Yeah, that enchanted stairs theory would make sense.

"Oh, hello. Well, it's early afternoon, Princess Luna is sleeping."

...I just went full retard myself. How the hell could I have forgotten that?  
She wasn't asleep an hour ago though... Crafty CUNT.

But then, I used to be awake all night long and sleep during the day.  
Somehow, being in Equestria allowed me to sleep at night. I'm not used to it, and I keep assuming it's night whenever I'm awake and about.

"My sister will be up at nightfall. Come back in the late evening if you wish to see her."

"I'll be back."

Wow, score. First time I actually manage to use this one.

"In the meantime, feel free to go for a walk around the city, there are many things worth seeing."

"Uh, I guess." I answer, reluctantly. There are way too many ponies around for my liking, this city is too damn crowded.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I had something for you."

I do NOT like where this is going. Maybe it's the memories of my dream... After all, according to Luna, Celestia should be doing the same thing she did in my dream.  
She gives me a small bottle of something. I eye it curiously, but it doesn't seem harmful.

"What's that?" I ask, feeling a bit uneasy, what if she decides to poison my ass instead? After all, I didn't save Rainbow in that reality, so I didn't 'redeem' myself and I don't have my points and shit, and I'm good for jail...

"It's a powerful elixir, following a very ancient, strict recipe."

"Like the stuff Zecora has?"

"Somewhat. It's extremely powerful, and should help you with your... loneliness, if you know what I mean."

Love potion? Oh hell yes, please.  
I stuff it in my pocket as Celestia goes in-depth into shit that, for once, I actually care about.

"You must down the entire bottle in one go, and for roughly twenty-four hours, you will be absolutely irresistible to a certain... type of ponies."

"What type?"

"Does it really matter?"

Yeah, not having gotten anything in years does make a man far less picky than he should be. Especially when it comes interspecies with fictional, magical horses.

"Meh, I guess not. Say, Princess, do you remember that criminal record thing you told me about when I first arrived?"

"You have another forty-three points to go before I have to start worrying about you. Try to tone it down a notch though, especially with your obnoxious attitude in awkward social situations... You could get away with it here, but

Ponyville ponies aren't used to that. Your little stunt with Trixie this morning didn't go unnoticed. I will not hold it against you though, for it allowed me to retrive Trixie's possession."

"Oh, that's cool. Thanks... Wait, Trixie's possession?"

"Yes. You took something from her, and left it at Twilight's, who was kind enough to return it to me."

"Okay so uh, basically, you're saying that you're thanking me for having unknowingly bribed you by indirectly getting you a stolen sextoy?"

"More or less."

Probably more than less. I love how she's not blushing or anything, as if it were normal, everyday shit for her.  
And it probably is.

"Yeah well, whatever. Bye, Princess."

"Good bye."

God, what a stuck-up cunt. I'm starting to REALLY hate her. Still, I managed to resist the urge of offering her to be her personal sextoy. I hate her, but hot steamy angry sex is best sex.  
Or among the best. Not that I would know either way.

So, I have another good ten hours to spend here... It's gonna be SO boring. Literally every single pony is a snob ass unicorn... There's like one or two pegasi flying around, and apart from the royal guards who charged my ass in the hallways, I haven't seen a single Earth pony since I got off the train.

Heh, 'a certain type of pony', it's gonna be working on Earth ponies only I'm sure.  
Crafty. Little. BITCH.

What she doesn't know is, I'm smarter than her. I'm the real deal. Oh yeah... a genius.  
So I'm gonna take it when I'm back to Ponyville. Eat your heart out, white bitch.

I decide to try and find that griffon place and get myself a nice piece of meat.  
No, still not that kind of meat you tremendous FAGGOTS.

Walking around for a bit, I quickly find the place, and rather easily.  
I take a quick glance at the name... 'The Golden Hawks'.

Heh. Twilight should come here.  
HA, HA. I MAKE FUNNY JOKE. HUEHUE.

I receive a few weird looks as I enter, but I'm used to it. It was mostly the same on Earth, anyway, so it makes me like, 'yeah yeah, go get that shit, nigga. BIG SMOKE, MOTHERFUCKER! Remember the name!'.

I sit down at some table in a corner, far from the main 'action', and read the menu. For some reason, I can't shake off thoughts of Rainbow Dash.  
I can't help but feel that I shouldn't have behaved like such a dickhole with her. No, I can't be a sappy faggot right now, I have a mission. Munching on a large piece of MEAT.  
...I disembowel the first one who says anything.

Good.  
Well, not so good actually. Only lame shit from non-talking animals. Rabbits, ducks... Meh.  
Wait, rabbits? FUCK YES PLEASE.  
I'm gonna imagine it's Angel. This is gonna be the best meal ever.

A waitress comes to take my order, but she stops dead in her tracks when she sees what I am. I never saw griffons 'in real life' but they don't look too weird.  
They're slightly bigger than most ponies, about the size of a bulky stallion, but their wingspan is impressive. Even with folded wings, the feathery appendages look gracious and powerful.  
Other than that, I wouldn't really get it on with a griffon. Not to mention, those talons are sharp as fuck, and that beak... Yeah, better not think about what it could do.

"What... What are you?"

Ohboyherewego . gif

"A human. Mythical creature, from another dimension. Found myself here a month ago, still trying to get by."

After 'recovering', she actually laughs at that.

"Heh, and you think it's gonna be easier among griffons?"

Smiling at her, I answer. "Well, everything can be made easier with a nice, juicy steak, right?"

Ignoring my innuendos, probably because she, unlike me, gets enough action not to think about sex every single second of her life, she winks at me.

"Now I like you, buddy. Alright so, what can I get you?"

"Lemme get a number six with extra dip."

"Excuse me? What was that?"

"Uh, nothing. That uh, rabbit thing. With a lot of mustard."

"Coming right up. Want a drink? It's on the house."

"Uh sure, I'll have, uh... Do you know what beer is?"

She gives me a 'holy shit this nigga srs' look.

"Do you think I'm some kind of retard or something?"

"No, no! You see, where I come from, there are a LOT of alcoholic beverages. I'm talking in the thousands of different kinds. Many of them have proofings as high as a hundred, or even higher. I didn't know if beer existed here in Equestria."

She stands there, looking at me, somewhat interested in what I just said, but she seems to be still processing the 'hundred plus proof' thing.

"Alright. So, a beer?"

"Yeah, please."

"What's your name, buddy?"

"My friends call me Nosfrat."

"Finally someone with a decent name, unlike those ponies..."

"I know, right?"

"My name's Gilda, by the way."

What.  
OKAY OKAY LET'S CALM THE FUCK DOWN I CAN DO THIS. I can shut the fuck up and ignore that.  
I can have a nice meal and enjoy life, instead of going apeshit and having to start explaining how in my world, she's a huge cunt from a fictional, animated cartoon aimed at six year old girls.  
I can totally do this. In fact, I'm gonna do it right now.  
You just watch.

"N-nice name.", I manage to sputter like an idiot. Well, still not too bad.

"Thanks." she says, walking away as I start hyperventilating like a faggot.

I have no idea what's happening right now. Why am I feeling like I just got hit by a train?  
Am I ashamed of not having recongized her? As unreal as those pastel creatures look, they're still pretty different un real life. After all, all griffons look more or less the same, unlike ponies who have different colors, mane and tail styles and cutie marks. I never really liked Gilda all that much, but according to some of the shit Rainbow Dash would periodically rant about, she probably did some kinky shit with her.  
That very thoughts makes me feel strange. Like I should terminate her right now. And also like I should man the fuck up.  
Weird...

Okay fuck that thought, gotta try and focus on different things... Oh yeah. She made Fluttershy cry.  
That alones makes me want to pluck her feathers one by one, wipe my shithole with them, and then stick them back. With glue.  
And have her fly over a bunch of snob bastards while being forced to sing some Justin Bieber.  
Yeah, I like that particular thought.

I daydream for a bit, imagining the scene in my head... Brilliant. Just brilliant, it contains everything, from physical to psychological torture, and even utility.  
Heh.  
It's raining shit. HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAINING SHIT!

...Chocolate rain!

"DISCORD, WHATEVER DID WE DO TO MAKE YOU TAKE OUR WORLD AWAAAAAAAY?"

"Woah, you okay there buddy?"

"What the fuck? Wow, wait, was I, uh... was I singing out loud?"

"That's an understatement."

"Shit. Damn, I'm uh... I'm low on blood sugar. I think. Vitamins, stuff, you know? I feel strange, I'm sorry, I'm hungry."

"You 'human' things sure are weird."

...SAYS THE HALF-LION HALF-EAGLE TALKING MIDGET BUTCH LESBIAN FROM A PASTEL MAGICAL FICTIONAL CARTOON DIMENSION

"Yeah, I know."

Grabbing a hold of my beer, I take a sip, and JESUS ASSSNIFFING FUCKCHRIST WITH A FURRY MIDGET FETISH this is the worst beer I EVER drank.

Taking the small bottle of potion from my pocket, I look at it. Meh.  
Might as well.

I start emptying into my beer, when Gilda's eyes go wide.

"WOW, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, MAN?"

"What?"

"That... thing! You're gonna drink that?"

Being the oblivious moron that I am, I shoot her a defying glance. "Watch me."

I down the whole thing in one go, while her eyes get wider with every drop I swallow.

...That sounded so wrong.

"But you... you... you're like that?"

I look at her as if she had just told me she wanted to be pegging my ass with her beak or something.

"Like what?"

"You... Wow, I would never have guessed... Damn, wow..."

"Can you fucking tell me what's going on already?"

"You do know what is it, that you just gulped down, right?"

"Yeah, some kind of love elixir or something, I'm not really sure but eh, as long as it works..."

"I wouldn't go as far as talking about love, but it does work alright... I saw stallions getting it on in the middle of the streets in full daylight, at the sight of that bottle."

"Stallions?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, stallions... Wait, you mean, you don't know?"

She looks at me as though she was gonna start crying, but instead she bursts out laughing. I manage to keep a pretty decent poker face, but then I genuinely have no idea what the fuck it is that I just drank.

After she regains her composure, she wipes her tears and speaks, struggling to control her giggling.

"Well, it's a very powerful male pheromone cocktail, that just happens to have an extremely fast and potent effect on other males, while having no effect whatsoever on females."

My face drops, and my jaw hits the table.

"If that wasn't what you wanted, well, I'd strongly recommend you get home right now and barricade yourself, preferably in the basement if you have one, or else you're gonna be walking funny... That's assuming you can walk at all."

Holy fuck that sounds bad. I need to fuck off. RIGHT NOW.

As if on cue, a stallion enters the restaurant. A high standing stallion, of course. Random ponies wave at him, and sure enough he makes his way towards the back, where I decided to eat.

Waving at Gilda, the light blue Wonderbolt takes a seat nearby. However, he doesn't even seem to notice me.  
Maybe I'll be alright? Maybe... I don't know, I can only hope.  
May the Lord guide my damned soul through these dark times of trial in this unholy, fallen word, and may His spirit guide me to-

I'm stirred out of my internal hypocritical monologue by Soarin'.

"Hey there, man? I ain't never seen nothing like you around, what are you?"

I sigh, as I always do when having to go through this shit AGAIN. Seriously, it's been like fucking five hundred times. I can't blame them, but it doesn't make it any less annoying. There are no TVs so I can't even ask Celestia to broadcast a 'shut the fuck up, this is a human, quit asking thanks' kind of message for me.

"I'm a human. I come from another dimension. As far as I know, I'm the first and only one of my kind in all of Equestria."

"Woah, man, that's amazing! How does it feel?"

"What? To be the only human?"

"No, to be in a different dimension! It must be weird, ain't it?"

"Well... When you come from a world where ponies are easily six feet tall, are not sentient, cannot use magic, which doesn't exist in said world, cannot talk, griffons are mythological creatures, pegasi and unicorns too, and you're in the situation I am right now... Yeah. Weird would definitely not be an overstatement."

"Woah man, damn!"

"I know."

"Well I'm sorry if I bothered you. Oh, by the way..."

He closes in on me. Aw hell, I don't like that. AT ALL.  
STAY THE FUCK AWAY  
BACK OFF YOU NASTY SQUAG

What?  
Now he's sniffing my arm?  
What kind of weird ass fetish is this again?

He withdraws his snout, looking confused. "You... smell weird. I've smelled that before, I don't quite remember but... It's somewhat different on you. I don't know. I'm Soarin', man. I'm really Soarin'."

He chuckles at his 'joke' and I imagine some REALLY bad sitcom laugh track playing. Seriously that was like, the worst pun I heard in months. And I've been living an entire one in Equestria. Since everyone in the restaurant, including you, have their best deadpan glares plastered on their faces, the pegasus sheepishly makes his way back to his own table.  
Never go full retard, man...

Gilda cocks her head to the side and looks at me with interest?

"Well, I'll be damned. A sentient being immune to the effects of the Gaylixir."

...Really? Gaylixir? Nevermind what I just said about Soarin' and his pun, this takes the title of most fucktarded pun I heard in months, or even years.

"So, I don't have to worry about having my ass stuffed full of horse cock?"

"Well, you could always ask them if you're into that sort of thing." she says, but realizing I might as well strangle her on the spot, she goes on, "Uh, I'm joking. No, you're safe now, you seem immune.".

"Good, 'cause I totally DO NOT swing that way."

"Yeah, me neither."

Right, right.  
You carpet munching whore.

Why the fuck am I getting so worked up about everything related to Rainbow Dash? That dream gave me some serious sexual tension or something.  
Determined to fully deny the obvious until the very end, I try to relax and think about something, and enjoy my food which just arrived. While it's far from stellar, the simple fact it's meat more than makes up for it.  
Sauce's pretty good, though. Mustard cream thingy...  
DAMN IT, can't a man talk about 'meat' without you faggots thinking about something else?  
Or without me imagining you're just as perverted as I am?

Making small talk with Gilda, I eventually finish my food. She stayed at my table the whole time for some reason. I get up, about to go to the counter and pay, but the griffon stops me.

"Hey listen dude, it's uh, it's on the house, right? You're cool and all, and you're one of a kind. Keep your bits for something else, alright?"

"Uh... right. Well, thanks a lot Gilda, that sure is a nice change from the capitalist world I come from."

"Capita... what? What is that?"

"Nothing important, just some human political shit. Anyway, bye I guess."

"Bye..."

* * *

**_A/N: I Cum Blood by Cannibal Corpse, that's all you need to know._**


	4. Queen of the Night

**_A/N: writing this one gave me more feels than I felt in a long time. Hopefully it's the same for you. Or not._**

* * *

As I walk out of the wooden 'building', she gets up and speaks again, walking up to me.

"Hey look, I'm not doing anything today... You wanna hang out?"

"Uh? Yeah, maybe, I mean, sure... I have to do something tonight but until then, I have nothing special planned."

"Cool! Man, I gotta introduce you to my friend Rainbow Dash, boy she would LOVE you."

...  
NOPE.  
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE . GIF . FLV . MP4 . WAV . WHATEVER

"Uh yeah no. I really don't think she would."

"Why not? You don't even know-"

"Listen, no, alright? She would NOT. Believe that."

Boy, I wish she would. ALRIGHT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?  
...Well, guess it's pointless to hide it anymore. I need to have sex with Rainbow Dash, that's what the fuck is wrong with me. Such hardcore sexual tension won't solve itself or eventually go away, it's been a month.

So, Gilda is giving me a potential shot at it.  
The chances it fails are so fucking high, it's not even worth trying. I mean, we randomly get together with Gilda, we hate each other... What are the odds we two could end up... fucking?  
Closer to zero than any non-zero value has even been in the history of science and mathematics and mankind and all the fucking dimensions and multiverses and shit, that's what the odds are.

Rape isn't an option. Angry sex isn't rape.  
I think. Like I'd know jack shit about sex beyond porn. I may not be a virgin but goddamn, I'm trying.  
Anyway, how the hell does one fuck a three feet tall pegasus? Or a quadruped? Or anything, really? One month without porn, I'm not sure I even remember.

"Alright listen, you don't want, it's fine, I'm not gonna push it. I think it's better if we both go our separate ways right now." she says, looking somewhat sad.

"Yeah."

"See you around, maybe..."

"Yeah, maybe."

Maybe I blew my only chance at... something. Maybe I just saved myself from a LOT of trouble and pain. I'll never know for sure, and it's probably better this way.

I keep walking around, sometimes making small talk with random upper class faggots asking me shit about my species. Or more like, they try to seize me up in their telekinetic grasps, and when they realize that it doesn't work, and that

I'm not actually hostile, it goes from 'OMG STAY BACK PLS' to 'I wanna study the shit out of you, your species, your history, and make a fuckton of bits off it while I give you one percent and pretend I take care of endangered species'.  
Though, one percent of whatever those kind of 'people' earn... It would still be quite a lot of bits.

It makes me like, 'man, these things ain't never gonna stop'. And also a bit like, 'damn man, these idiots just don't give up'.  
I had that problem with Twilight Sparkle. Purple bitch would have kept my ass locked in her basement for three days.

And actually she did. The only thing is, well, within ten minutes I broke free from her large pony-sized makeshift 'cuffs' and I kicked the door off its hinges, ranting about how motherfuckers would always try to keep a player down.

I walked up to her bedroom, pissed as fuck, with a large wrench in hand, and knocked her the fuck out before running off and barricading myself into my home. Celestia didn't really appreciate my assault, but she didn't appreciate her student's behavior, either.  
Mere days after having had her title removed, she got into some more trouble... Back then, I hoped she had burn heal.

Speaking of burn... Holy shit, I can't believe nopony has ever thought about it. I mean, she lives in a tree full of books.  
And she uses candles. There must be some voodoo shit going on in there to prevent it from burning down.

Maybe one day I'll consider that... Heh, I could tell Trixie about it. Damn I'm a genius.

Shit, time flies when you imagine pleasant shit. It's like 7:30 PM, and the night has already fallen. Means, Luna must be up. She'll be ready for business, soon. I wonder what's her deal, though... She basically gave me a dream about sex and mares wanting me, while herself implying in every possible way that she wants the D.  
From me.

Stallions can't quite compete with the might of the human D.  
For a thousand years, she's waited here for me. Waited every night, for she thought I were the answer to her LIIIIIIFE.  
And what if I were?

There HAD to be some kind of purpose as to why the fuck I got here in the first place. I was one in over seven billions. Why me? I refuse to believe it could have been randomness. Randomness is luck, and luck always brings me dire shit.

This isn't anywhere near dire enough to justify having only a 0.0000000143% chance or so to happen, and happening to me.  
So maybe I am burdened with glorious purpose?

Am I the one? Man this is getting all Matrix and shit.

But nonetheless, with newfound hope and renewed spirits, I increase my pace and soon arrive at the castle. Hm, same guards from earlier? Weird...  
I wave my hand at them and before I can say anything, they start talking to it.

Dumb shits.  
But at least that made me chuckle. I keep going, making sure to scream 'CHARGER! SHOOT!' as I pass the hallway with the broken window and fissured walls. Once again, I arrive in the throne room, but this time it's empty.  
I stand there and look around.

"HOLLER BACK AT ME, FOLKS!"

Nothing... Damn man, where all the ponies at? 'THE FUCK THEY AT? DAMN.  
Oh.  
Right. I might have forgotten about that... Now that I'm alone without even walking to keep me occupied, I can analyze one fact.  
The fact Celestia basically tried to get me gangraped by dozens of stallions in public. Holy shit I'm gonna have to tell Luna about that, and pray that they're not all corrupt shiteaters like on Earth.  
Man, that would suck some outrageous dick.

Eventually, Luna enters the room and smiles at me, probably expecting me or something.

"Good evening, human. Have thou slept well?"

"Uh, yeah, kinda. What about you?"

"We did sleep well, we thank thee for thy concern."

Man, this pony is weird. The way she's talking it's just... I don't know, it sounds like EVERYTHING is formal as hell for her.  
Time to try and loosen her up (NO, still not in that way) with some small talk.

"You know, back home, I used to sleep through the day and live at night, too... I just couldn't sleep at night, it simply didn't work for me. I don't know why, I never quite understood..."

"Hm, we believe thou may have a special connection to the things of the night."

"You know Princess, where I come from, magic and all that stuff doesn't exist."

"The night remains the night, human. Whether we shape it, or it occurs naturally, it has no incidence on the fact that it's a beautiful sight, and the most spiritual period of the day."

Yeah well, night is a part of a day. That sounds retarded but it's true.  
Hell, it's even part of TWO days. Holy shit that sounds even worse now.

"Yeah I guess... Night feels peaceful. Like, I could go for walks, or just sit in the cold empty streets and enjoy solitude. Solitude, rather than painful, near forced loneliness..."

"We sure know what thou are talking about. We spent a millennium on the Moon, we had our fair share of lonely nights, spent staring at nothing, our eyes lost in the cold nothingness, the endless void, the vacuum of space surrounding us... We did not even have oxygen or food. It felt strange to eat and breathe when we returned..."

I stand there, staring at her and feeling a tug in the pit of my stomach. Now that I really think of it, what the fuck does one do on the Moon, other than waiting? Holy shit, Celestia's a monster.  
Luna's ranting is reaching out to me, and it's critical hit'ing my heart and soul.

"When we were first banished, we were young, only a few centuries old. We felt as though our entire life was over. Replaced by a new... something, that was nothing anypony could possibly call 'life'. Then we eventually got used to it.

We used countless spells to keep us entertained, or keep us sleeping so that time would go by faster. We had no idea that one day, we would be able to return. Eventually, as grief and sadness piled up into our heart, we became attracted to the darker kinds of magic. We had our royal garments, and each alicorn has to carry at all times a few scrolls, so that they can never end up in the wrong hooves. On those scrolls are written ancient, extremely powerful spells that only the mightiest mages could ever have used to good effect. We tried to make them work. They did work, to some extent... But not really to good effect. The next thing we knew, we were weeping on the ground of a rundown castle in the middle of the Everfree forest, with our sister claiming she had forgiven us."

Holy fuck, I need to fight those tears. I haven't cried in like, what? Six years?  
Now's not the time. I gotta be strong. But that stupid dark blue bitch... No, she can't be...  
Like hell she can't, she IS crying. Damn it.

I walk up to her and reach a hand to pet her.

"I was gonna say, 'I know what you went through' but no, I went through something much, much easier to handle, and for a fraction of the time you had to endure this shit. I'm sorry Luna, I never thought you could have been holding so much... grief. You're kinda like me, to a much greater extent I guess. Maybe that's why we are creatures of the night. Deep inside, we hold... things. Things that require us to spend more time alone, either by choice or by need... Or by lack of other possibilities... Maybe this, is why the night is soothing to us."

She looks into my eyes and fuck me this is the most beautiful yet most heart wrenching sight I have ever witnessed. Her large turquoise eyes are literally shining, large orbs of blue wonder with rapidly forming pools of tears below them. Her gaze holds an insane cocktail of emotions, and her pleading look is literally tearing my fucking heart apart. Right now, there is nothing I would want more than cuddling with her until we both pass out.

She needs attention. She needs love. She needs everything I need, and everything I can give her. And vice-versa, hopefully.

"Listen Princess, I'm really sorry, I didn't want to, uh... bring up some bad memories or anything, I just wanted to-"

I shut my mouth as a pair of moist, dark blue lips are slowly pressed against it. Her eyes are closed, and a few tears are lingering below the closed eyelids. Small orbs of salty grief, glistening under the Moonlight shining through the stained glass.  
It looks like stars. It looks like giant balls of plasma burning with all their might. It looks like they have a long and painful tale to tell.

Lost in her teary, closed eyes, I dread to imagine what it would be like if they were open. I have to fight my own tears, and not break down right now, in the damn throne room, lip locked with the Princess of the Night.

I am not returning the kiss, for she is not kissing me. She is simply pressing her lips against my own, making no attempt to initiate a kissing motion or anything. I slowly reach my hand to her face and cup her cheek. She opens her eyes slowly, still gleaming as beautifully as ever.  
I'll never quite understand how one single thing can be so beautiful, so cute and so fucking sad at the same time.

A very slim film of salty, liquid emotion covers her magnificent irises, and it shines so brightly, it would almost make me wince if the room were darker.  
I'm pretty sure there's a lot to be read in my own eyes, as well. I slowly and gently apply more pressure against her lips, eventually slightly puckering mine and giving her a short kiss.

Sensual, yet chaste. Soft, yet powerful.  
And slightly wet.

Neither of us need to say anything as she leans in for a hug, which I gladly return, running a hand through her beautiful ethereal mane. I have no idea how that flowing thing works but it's absolutely divine to the eye, and even more heavenly to the touch.

It's like all the Gods and Goddesses who ever existed across all the dimensions came together and decided to make a beautiful, life-life painting mix of the most gorgeous night skies, more intense and vivid than anything any living being has ever laid eyes upon. Then they would have somehow harnessed that magical, ethereal beauty and conveyed it into a concentrated, flowing strand of the softest matter they could find.  
Then Princess Luna was born, and they decided that upon her return and the defeat of Nightmare Moon, that single most beautiful piece of heaven handcrafted by the fucking Gods themselves, was to be her mane and tail.

Thus, what I'm currently stroking with affection and deep meaning was born. That probably doesn't mean any sense but shit, I'm living an intense moment, and it makes me want to be romantic, which in turn makes me want to try and be a poet.  
I don't feel as gay as I would if I hadn't just kissed a princess, but still.

Suddenly, a door slams open.

SUNRISE, MOTHERFUCKER

A larger alicorn with a much less magnificent mane enters, and starts PMS'ing all over the damn place.

"Oh my, sister, what did he do to you? What did he-"

Before I can open my mouth and tell her to fucking shut hers at once, my newfound blue 'friend' answers her.

"He did to me what I have been needing for hundreds of years. What nopony had ever done to me."

Holy fuck, it must be serious if she drops the royal we.

"We are so terribly sorry we have messed with thy mind in thy dream, earlier. We needed to give thee a hint, for thou were the only one who could understand us."

"It's alright, Princess. I'm here, things are gonna be alright."

"Well, maybe not for everypony..."

Oh, you. You fat, fucking useless white ass piece of royal shit. I'm gonna destroy that whore. Not giving a shit about her sister, and trying to get me gangraped?

ONCE AGAIN, still better than what you'd find back on Earth, but damn.  
I turn around and start maching forward. I come to a halt and grab the empty bottle from my pocket, before flinging it at her face.

She, obviously, grabs it in her magical shit, and throws it aside.  
Fucking overpowered noob shit, nerf next patch pls

She advances on me and smiles. It seems to feel unnatural for her to have to look UP when conversing with a living being.

Man, she's five foot three. YEAH BUT THAT FOOL'S STRONG

I always feel a little uneasy around her horn. It's like a fucking sword, and our respective heights would make it perfect for her to literally impale me below the chin and out through the top of my head without having to adjust her posture.  
It's not that sharp or pointy, but still. I would hate to have her fly-tackling me with that huge thing.  
It doesn't help that it's nearly two feet long, and radiating with the most powerful magic to civilization. Discord is much less intimidating than this shit, despite being far more powerful. I think.  
I have no idea whether most of the crappy headcanons I used to come up with are true or not. Those that I verified, though, were pretty accurate, oddly enough.

One wouldn't go as far as saying I was right all along, but well. I'm not that bad at imaginating stuff.

...Really? 'not that bad at imagining stuff'? That's like... That's horrible. The worst thing I said in ages.  
I need to stop talking, or even thinking. I need to hook Celestia in the gabber, piss on her corpse and go have sexy times with her sister. Or something.

"I suppose that you did not drink that elixir, now did you?"

Yeah that was no error, that was precisely what she was trying to do.

"As a matter of fact, I did."

Her eyes widen in surprise.

"That's right, cunt. Meet the only living being immune to magic, and potions, elixirs and shit. I'm not sure it was such a smart move to piss off such a being, especially considering he's much taller, bulkier, and apparently smarter. And fucking pissed."

She chuckles. "Are you trying to threaten me?"

"Nah, I'm just warning you, you're fucking with the wrong species here. You need to stop with that shit, and stop right now, or else there's gonna be some biblical shit happening to your ass. Now I'm not a violent man, but I don't like being fucked with. Being given a potion supposed to get me filled with ten miles of horse cock does fit under the category 'being fucked with', even if it didn't happen. Hell, humans in general are notorious for having very little tolerance to being fucked with. As a matter of fact, a vast majority of the human population would have killed for much, MUCH less than what you did. In fact, for what you did, many would have tortured in ways your mind cannot even begin to fathom, before dragging it out in a long and painful agony, all the while giving their victim medication to make sure they stay conscious, and alive for as long as possible. And here I am, just telling you not to fuck with me anymore. I'm pretty cool for a human, wouldn't you say?"

"I think you're completely out of your mind."

"Funny, that was exactly what I thought when I first met you."

"Alright now listen, I will only tolerate your insolence for so long. From now on, you-"

"SISTER! Thou have done enough. Thou have attempted to have him raped and humiliated in public, and thou have neglected us, although it may not have been on purpose. We think thou should just leave. We do not wish to fight, be it physically or verbally."

"I don't want to fight either, Luna. I just want that fat monkey to stop-"

DAAAAAYYYYYUUUM.  
She did NOT see that one coming. And neither did I, in fact. I didn't know I had such... swiftness in me.  
I just fucking backhanded that bitch. My hand hurts now, but I'll be damned if her nose isn't pissing blood, ruining her white coat. I'm probably the first living being able to physically hurt her since Chrysalis...  
Damn, feels good man. Get on my level, faggots. Heh.  
If it bleeds, I can kill it.

I can also look at her, sigh and go more in-depth about why I just did that.

"Look, I don't want to fight any more than you do, but I don't take it kindly to being ignored, fucked with AND insulted by the same pers-, pony, all within a few hours. I know you could get me killed if you wanted, while you're damn nigh immortal, if not literally immortal, but you need to realize that being the princess and moving the Sun doesn't mean you can do anything you want with complete disregard for everything that you wish to disregard. You should be happy that the elixir didn't work, because believe me, if I had gotten raped? I swear you'd be looking like a fucking communist, instead of having a few droplets of blood on your chin. Regardless of what kind of shit you'd have done to me afterwards, I would have fucking ruined you. I'm talking bare-handed bone breaking and limb severing. I'd have fucking speared your wings with your own horn, marshmallow-roasted them and made you eat them. I would have massacred you. I'D HAVE FUCKED YOU UP!"

I spit in her face, showing that bitch who's the man.  
Bitches love men.

Wait. Oh boy, here we go again, I'm back to not making any goddamn sense. Hopefully everyone is used to it by now.

Maybe I went a little over the top with the shit I'd have HYPOTHETICALLY done to her, while in practice I'd have gotten knocked out or killed before I could get in a second punch, but damn.  
Rape jokes are funny and all, but that all stops when it's about you taking several horse cocks at once.  
You don't fuck with a man's booty. A man's butt.

The booty is mine. It belongs to me.  
They cannot take my booty.

Both alicorn sisters are still looking at me, one with shining, damp eyes and the other with... hell, what's that in her eyes?  
It's not fear, sadly. Not anger or hate, either, thankfully. It's...

Realization?  
Did she really need a good ol' bitchslap to come to her senses? Before I can ponder over this any longer, she pushes me aside and trots to Luna's side, before tearing up.

"Sister, I am so sorry! All these years, all this time you needed me, you were in need of love and attention, and I just... I just couldn't see it! I had to banish you and I went a millennium without you, and... And I got used to it! I got used to having a large gap in my life, and in my heart! And I compensated for it, and when you came back... I had forgotten how things were before. I have been so selfish and... cruel. The human is right, I don't deserve being the ruler of Equestria. Or the co-ruler. I'm no better than King Sombra. I'm sorry little sister... I'm sorry... I love you, you know I always did."

Shit.  
Regardless of the amount of FEELS my heart is trying to compute at once, I can't help but d'awww at the two sisters hugging each other while a literal river of tears cascade to the ground, smearing the marble floor in salty relief.

...Holy shit that came out wrong too.

I stand there for a while, wondering what's gonna happen to my ass now. As if to answer me, both princesses walk up to me and give me two warm, heartfelt smiles.

I don't smile. I never smile, lest I start looking like an autistic rapist with down syndrome and facial paralysis. But deep inside, every fiber of me is sporting a serious banana.  
NO, STILL NOT LIKE THAT YOU GODDAMNED FUCKING PERVERTED MOTHERFUCKERS

I hug them both, because what the hell. I'm entangled in a group hug. That's as close as I'll ever get to a threesome with royalty, but that's still better than what most will ever get, right?  
Holy shit I really, DIRELY need to get laid. Thinking about sex all the damn time isn't only unhealthy and annoying, it's also starting to become a serious handicap.

After a while they both pull away.

"We need to thank thee, human. Thou allowed our sister to remember times even we could not. Thou have showed us what caring truly means. For this, our sister and we are eternally grateful to thee. Thou may request of us to execute thy bidding for tonight. We think every one of us has earned the right to skip out on our duties until tomorrow."

For once, I manage not to catch on the possible sexual innuendo, and start thinking about things I really need, and that they could maybe do for me.  
Well, it's sad, really. I went through all that, I was supposed to have learned something about friendship and stuff, or at least a life lesson, no?  
But despite by endless claims of being unhappy, bored, and life being meaningless and shit, not to mention all that tantrum I throw when I'm having my fits of being a little emo bitch, there's really one thing I can think of at the moment.

"I want to cum inside Rainbow Dash."

* * *

**_A/N: Okay now, I'm gonna get flamed so much for that very last line, but I had just had to do it. I just had to, I'm sorry. Terribly sorry._**  
**_(just kidding, I don't give a fuck)_**

**_And I don't know if you can actually break an equine's 'nose', probably not but once again, my give-a-fuck-o-meter says exactly this: zero fucks._**


End file.
